Forums / Off Topic / 16 very decent jokes, some better than others

1) When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot
of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated
driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard.
It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim
when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says
that women have
better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'mhalfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how
Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be
alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's
way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school,
you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

My personal favorite is No. 1
samD