Forums / Off Topic / 16 very decent jokes, some better than others

7 years 45 weeks ago, 11:26 AM

samD

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1) When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot
of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated
driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard.
It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim
when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says
that women have
better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'mhalfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how
Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be
alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's
way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school,
you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

My personal favorite is No. 1
samD

7 years 45 weeks ago, 11:33 AM

Anonymous

i like

number four!

7 years 45 weeks ago, 11:50 PM

raffycanlas

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foxworthy is awesome!

I'm just another damn yankee with a loaded gun looking for some fun!
7 years 45 weeks ago, 12:20 AM

runawaygun762

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I like number 12

How many people could find Afghanistan on a map before Fox news or CNN showed it?

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
7 years 38 weeks ago, 9:21 PM

Pkato

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Irish joke

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 20 0 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of
heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed
200,000 prisoners .'

Patrolman Kato
Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself.
They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone
under independence. -- George Washington
7 years 38 weeks ago, 9:30 PM

Anonymous

PKato

Great joke

7 years 38 weeks ago, 9:33 PM

runawaygun762

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Pkato

excellent

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.

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