Forums / Off Topic / Funny story about calling off for work

5 years 49 weeks ago, 6:19 PM

fordvg

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Fancy Farm, Kentucky, United States

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, h oping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was..

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

"WAR IS A RACKET, I spent most of my time being a high-class muscle-man for Big Business, for Wall Street, and for the Bankers." Major-General Smedley Darlington Butler USMC Ret. 2 time Medal of Honor winner.
5 years 49 weeks ago, 7:28 PM

coldfront

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my ferret stole my keys once, thank god he left my nuts alone

Confucious say: Go to bed itchy asshole, wake up stinky pinky
5 years 49 weeks ago, 8:37 PM

d_ho13

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Nov 2008
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Shawnee, KS, United States

Weird how they call dogs "man's best friend"...despite my current situation of having a 120lb yellow lab in a one bedroom apartment, it sure as hell beats a 10 lb cat! Good luck with the marbles and the dome Ford!

When the government fears the people, there is liberty; when the people fear the government there is tyranny. -Thomas Jefferson
5 years 49 weeks ago, 11:06 AM

raffycanlas

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General
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Nov 2008
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New England Territory
haha

i lived with 3 rottweilers in a one bedroom apt once.

I'm just another damn yankee with a loaded gun looking for some fun!
5 years 49 weeks ago, 12:58 PM

Eturnit3

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Lieutenant General
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Dec 2008
Location:
Grass Valley , CA
I laughed my ass off

At this story man... Ive read only a couple funnier... one about a man and a new stun gun. The other a man and a electric fence... I'd say this makes top 3. Thanks for the laughs at your expense and I hope ya know this pain of yours will bring a lot of laughs to a lot of people.

The time is coming when those who kill you will think they are offering service to God. Jesus - (John 16.2) A penny saved is a government oversight.

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