Forums / Off Topic / Had a friend forward me some funnies and thought some here would get a kick out of em

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4 years 26 weeks ago, 12:38 PM

Ishootdaily

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Subject: Fw: A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble

Now, do you wonder about our law making?

Subject: A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble

1. I had a New Hampshire Republican Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Republican Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D-La) Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Republican Congressman (John Adler ) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 12:54 PM

Shug22

Shug22's picture

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Brigadier General
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Shoot

Those would be funny but it really scares me. Lord, would you please open their eyes, their hearts, and would you please help them find their asses with both hands? Amen.

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:00 PM

Shug22

Shug22's picture

Rank:
Brigadier General
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215
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Location:
Texas, United States

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I've changed my will three times!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hospital regulations
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:10 PM

Ishootdaily

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lmao

lol...........

You would love to just sit in the lobby down at the range on a Sunday morning. There are about 6 different guys 70 and over and some of the stuff they says... lol

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 3:48 PM

Shug22

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Rank:
Brigadier General
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215
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Jul 2010
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Texas, United States
Hey Shoot

You are right; I would love to sit and talk to the old guys. And, most of them served in the big one and they have awesome stories!

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:51 PM

Reaper308

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Rank:
Secretary of Defense
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Jun 2008
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Airstrip One, Oceania
funny

here's mine.. it was emailed to me. Some of you may have already read this one...

HELL EXPLAINED
(BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when It expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, Which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, It will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

"Proelium Comminus Auctoritate" "Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash."
4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:55 PM

Ishootdaily

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LMAO !

love it!

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 3:52 PM

Shug22

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Rank:
Brigadier General
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Reaper!

That was hilarious and gave me a much needed belly laugh at the end of my work day! Thanks for sharing!

4 years 26 weeks ago, 5:34 PM

luckybychoice

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Rank:
Secretary of the Treasury
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6795
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May 2009
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United States
thats funny

stuff you guys,thanks

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN
4 years 26 weeks ago, 6:58 PM

Vaquero

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Ditto

I enjoyed all of those.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 11:06 AM

Ishootdaily

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hehe

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong... Didn't you?

Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:04 PM

Shug22

Shug22's picture

Rank:
Brigadier General
Points:
215
Join Date:
Jul 2010
Location:
Texas, United States
Hey Shoot

Yep; gotta em all right. Bet you did too!

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:26 PM

Ishootdaily

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Rank:
General
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Join Date:
Feb 2009
Location:
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LOL

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:15 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Confirmed

I'm a pervert. I ripped off all six in less than a second and just the ones that you'd expect.

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 26 weeks ago, 11:59 AM

fixxer72

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Rank:
Lieutenant Colonel
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Jan 2011
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Davis Junction, Illinois, United States

California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog,
then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because
the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills
the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat
rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional
special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.

Wisconsin:

The Governor of Wisconsin is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A
Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Wisconsin is not.

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:09 PM

Shug22

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Fixxer

Amen. I really wonder how normal people who live in California can even stand to be around the fruit loops that live in and make things this way in their state. I am just betting they aren't real happy.

4 years 26 weeks ago, 6:48 PM

CharlesW

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Governor Rick Perry of Texas
Did in fact shoot a coyote while
out jogging.

A little rebellion is good medicine for the government Thomas Jefferson
4 years 26 weeks ago, 12:10 PM

fixxer72

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Shopping at Wal-Mart

Husband Down on Aisle 22

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

4 years 26 weeks ago, 1:28 PM

Ishootdaily

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HA !

I copied and pasted it into email and sent it to wife.

Though I don't and haven't drank in years (Liver cancer caused transplant), she'll still get a kick out of it..

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 26 weeks ago, 4:37 PM

Shug22

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Hey Shoot

I had to quit drinking because it made me stupid!

4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:06 PM

Larry Wagner

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Larry

You to??? LOL

Any day above dirt is a good day!!! My New Motto: Where Do I Sign? (Oh yes I would)
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:55 PM

Ishootdaily

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I met a fairy today that would grant me just one wish...
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die right after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard !!!! ," said the fairy.

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:00 PM

Ishootdaily

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A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom..........

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:02 PM

Mark3030

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isd

thats great LOL

"the thrill of the hunt"
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:09 PM

Ishootdaily

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My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Moser’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Dolores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Vince?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:18 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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LMAO

I almost crapped myself!

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:17 PM

Mark3030

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isd

you have to figure them out? hmm. didn't try i tought just just aim to please and please to aim

"the thrill of the hunt"
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:17 PM

Mark3030

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hey lucky

how the hell are you

"the thrill of the hunt"
4 years 25 weeks ago, 10:20 PM

Ishootdaily

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Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!

Gotta love this Judge!

You must read this.......a proper decision by the courts...for a change..

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days.

He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.

Court is adjourned.."; You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 25 weeks ago, 12:37 AM

Ishootdaily

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ha

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out

my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

Hello Nurse

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a

professional - I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny..."

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 25 weeks ago, 12:47 AM

CharlesW

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ISD you are BAD

BAD BAD BAD

But bad is good

Did she do a taste test ?

A little rebellion is good medicine for the government Thomas Jefferson
4 years 25 weeks ago, 12:50 AM

Ishootdaily

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LOL

Hell almost how I met my wife!

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 12:57 PM

Ishootdaily

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Bike Joke

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he

asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:03 PM

Snake

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HA!

HA!!!

Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.-Ronald Reagan
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:29 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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OK, my turn

these were pretty good. I've got a couple:

Three couples one elderly, one middle aged, and newlyweds; were meeting a priest to join the local church.

The priest tells them "In order to prove your dedication to God, I ask you to abstain from sex for two weeks and then return here and receive the sacrament.

Two weeks later the couples meet with the priest and he asks them "So were you all able to abstain?"

The elderly couple say "We had no trouble at all. We could go another two weeks."

"Good," says the priest, "you are welcome to the church."

the middle aged couple says "It was really rough toward the end of the second week, but we were able to abstain."

"then you are welcome as well" says the priest

Then the priest asks the newlyweds how they fared.

"I'm sorry father, but we didn't make it. I was just the first week when my wife reached up to get a can of corn off the shelf. And then she dropped it and bent over to pick it up. I couldn't control myself. I had to have her right then and there."

The priest disappointingly says "Well then, I am sorry, but you are not welcome to our church."

The young man replies "I understand father, we're no longer welcome at the Wal-Mart either."

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:32 PM

Ishootdaily

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LOL

I like that one !

lol

reminds me of my wife and I, BC.

Before Children

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:34 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Yeah

kids sure change that, don't they. My nickname for my son is CockBlock

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:33 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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One more

Obama is stepping off Marine One after a trip to Arkansas. Under each arm he is carrying a young Razorback.
The marine welcoming him salutes and says, "Welcome back sir! What's with the pigs?"
Obama replies, "The governor gave them to me as a present. I got this one for Pelosi and this one for Hillary."
The marine looks at the pigs and says, "Good trade, sir."

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 19 weeks ago, 1:35 PM

Ishootdaily

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hehe

thats a good one too...

sending it to ED, he'll piss his pants...

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 19 weeks ago, 11:15 PM

RandyMc

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and laughed harder than I have laughed in a LONG time. Thanks guys they were funny enough that I copied and pasted several of them to emails and sent them to some friends.

Freedom ain't Free, so thank a Veteran when you see one. They are the ones who have protected the freedoms that you enjoy!
4 years 18 weeks ago, 9:29 PM

Ishootdaily

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Toughest Cowboy

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales. Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.”

Old ‘King Ranch Bubba’, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent while slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 18 weeks ago, 10:23 PM

jay sedler

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haha,that is one tough

haha,that is one tough cowboy.lol

CRY HAVOC and let slip the dogs of war!
4 years 18 weeks ago, 11:43 PM

RandyMc

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Being from Texas, I really liked it.

Freedom ain't Free, so thank a Veteran when you see one. They are the ones who have protected the freedoms that you enjoy!
4 years 17 weeks ago, 11:39 PM

Ishootdaily

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Once Upon a Time

, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, " Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "

NO !"................................................................................

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and slept with skinny big titted broads and hunted... And raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and smoked cigars when he felt like it and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up all the time..... The End

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 15 weeks ago, 4:47 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Happy ending?

LOL

that's awesome! I like it. <looks over shoulder> but don't tell my wife I said that. :)

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 15 weeks ago, 1:35 PM

Ishootdaily

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"I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius".

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 13 weeks ago, 8:25 PM

Ishootdaily

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TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 13 weeks ago, 8:42 PM

RandyMc

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ISD, I'm not sure,

but until I find something better, I'll have to agree that most of these qualify as the top 8 morons, perhaps of all time.

Freedom ain't Free, so thank a Veteran when you see one. They are the ones who have protected the freedoms that you enjoy!
4 years 13 weeks ago, 2:59 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Morons

Whew! That was some good stuff right there. #2 is good. #5 is awesome. I love when idiots hang themselves.

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 13 weeks ago, 8:53 PM

Ishootdaily

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LOL Randy

Yeah, pretty much!

loll

Though the number two man is the smarter of them all, including the Police in the line he was standing in.. lol

No sir, he fell into that bullet... Never argue with a stupid person. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!!
4 years 13 weeks ago, 2:06 PM

jay sedler

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good ones

heard that same boat story before.the one about oakland pd reminded me of a similar thing in my town.cops got word two people with warrents were at their trailer,they called the people on the phone(probably a cell or a good cordless)the suspects refused to come out,police shot over 12 teargas canisters inside,and reported hearing footsteps in the trailer but after 9 hrs when they went in nobody was there!ooopsy!they say they are not embarrassed by it. http://prewww.krcrtv.com/news/27392359/detail.html

CRY HAVOC and let slip the dogs of war!
4 years 13 weeks ago, 5:16 PM

tallguy007

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wow

ok Im with you

DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
4 years 8 weeks ago, 3:00 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Joke

This is kind of old, but I like it:

Back in the days of the draft, an IBM computer engineer gets drafted in the Army.
In boot camp, he is at the firing range with his platoon shooting his rifle and not hitting a damn thing. The DI lights into him about his incompetence and stresses the fundamentals.
The draftee tells him it's not his fault. The sergeant then questions him about whether it's the rifle's fault. He replies no, to which the DI then screams "Well, then, who the hell's fault is it then?!"
The draftee takes out a handkerchief and ties it around the end of his muzzle. The DI is so curious, he doesn't stop him. The draftee then fires his rifle down range and hits dirt. He then shows the DI the handkerchief with the hole in the middle and says, "See, every thing is working on my end. The problem must be at the other end."

You might have to be in IT to enjoy that one properly.

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
4 years 7 weeks ago, 8:59 AM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Lawyer jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers found a penny.

A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure", the bartender replied.
"Great! Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Lawyer's creed: A person is innocent until proven bankrupt.

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. lawyers are more plentiful than rats
2. the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers
3. there are some things a rat just won't do
4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eying them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon

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