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2 years 39 weeks ago, 7:08 AM

MattyTheJet

MattyTheJet's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1027
Join Date:
Mar 2012
Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
Hey Greg!

Any of this seem familiar, lol?

45 signs of a corrections officer

By Samuel “Sam” Cowey

I have been with the California Department of Corrections for more than 15 years and a Correctional Sergeant for more than three years. I firmly believe that you must have a good sense of humor to do this job. If you don’t, it will lead to an early grave from stress. If you can keep an open mind, inmates will entertain you with the crazy things they say and do.

So let’s start with the list of “You might be a Prison Guard if...” These can easily apply to jailers and our brothers and sisters working the streets. These are from two anonymous writers, but I’ve added my own comments.

• You've ever told one of your kids to "drop me a kite" (or “dayroom recall”).

• You've ever thrown away a full can of soda because it was out of your sight for 30 seconds. (I have!)

• You've ever wanted to physically assault your partner because they said, "It sure is quiet today."

• You've ever looked a pool of blood like a Rorschach test “it looks like two ducks kissing!”

• The buzzer in a basketball game on TV makes you jump. (Or a ref’s whistle)

• You refer to the mall Santa as "Chester Claus."

• You've ever fixed a plumbing problem with a side-handle baton. (It works!)

• You've ever looked at a stain on your pants and wondered if it was blood, feces, or taco sauce.

• You've ever been subpoenaed because of toilet paper. (Or by an inmate’s family because their son had a heart attack after trying to kill his cellmate).

• You've ever driven past a high school and thought, "Job security."

• You know that, "I slipped in the shower", "I fell off my bunk", and "I got hit playing basketball" all mean the same thing: "I got my ass beat.”

• You remember when "getting gassed" meant you had too much to drink.

• You've ever considered calling in sick when you saw there was a full moon.

• You can't feel comfortable in a restaurant unless your chair faces the door.

• You play "Gang Graffiti Bingo" with your kids when driving on long trips “Ooohh, West Side Locos, I just got my middle square!”

• You watch an inmate get Life-Flighted for a bloody hangnail, but the Governor claims that YOU are the reason there's a budget crisis.

• Before you can buy a woman a drink, you have to make sure she doesn't have an Adams Apple.

• Your favorite coffee pot hasn't been cleaned since Governor Reagan, and god help anyone who tries to wipe the crust off.

• You've ever seen a man with breasts and wearing "Daisy Duke" shorts beat the hell out of three guys at the same time. (His “name” was Gina).

• Your gunner is a “Fish”, your partner's a “Dump Truck”, and your relief is a “Lop.”

• You can flip to the exact Folger Adams key from a group of five to six without looking.

• Your stomach sinks when a full chow hall suddenly goes dead quiet.

• You can actually read and understand an inmate’s illiterate attempt at written requests. “I need a bace for my wrisit.”

• You believe that “Gas’em till they puke!” is an appropriate Use of Force.

• You disbelieve 90 percent of what you hear and 75 percent of what you see.

• You never count on going home until have actually made it out of the prison.

• You believe that ALL PRISON MANAGEMENT should have fought an inmate at least once before evaluating if you have used appropriate force.

• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide...getting it right the first time."

• You have ever seen an inmate hanging by their neck and thought, “Damn! Now I have to do paperwork.”

• You know preferred overtime is from 2nd to 3rd, 3rd to 1st is ugly, but 1st to 2nd is torture.

• You know that “S.O.S.” really means “Stuck On Stupid!”

• You still get a weird feeling in your gut when you walk into a prison. (It’s never bothered me, yes I know I’m sick).

• You recognize that anyone who is willing to stick anything up his ass to hide it is one DANGEROUS S.O.B.

• You translate “Hey! Hey CO! Check this out!” to mean “Listen very closely while I attempt lie to you.”

• You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

• You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.

• You know the value of a good pair of boots.

• You know that color-coding something was designed to make it “Guard Proof.”

• People shout, "Don’t drop the soap!" when they find out you work in a prison and think they're being hugely funny and original.

• A week's worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear. (And one jumpsuit).

• You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend", or "this is my Friday."

• You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

• You get gassed and pray it was just water or coffee, but don’t know until the aroma hits.

• You have forgotten to eat your lunch because you were too busy.

• You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are too tight."

2 years 39 weeks ago, 10:52 AM

greg az

greg az's picture

Rank:
Secretary of Homeland Security
Points:
5873
Join Date:
Oct 2009
Location:
New York, NY, Rwanda

laughed all the way thru this one.. many times t've told the family to drop a "kite" or 45 me somewhere.. That or ask what thier 19 was and get a blank look.. How bout this.. you watch someone on TV putting on cuff's (cause ya do it 50 f''n times a day) and first thought is "no dumb shit the key holes toward the arm not the hand sheesh.. the chow hall thing hit me big time.. Did a lot of swings and i could always tell what sort of shift we'd have by how quite the chow hall was.. The folger adams guys is a big ol lock found in prisons (don't even know if their on the market) .. anyway the best but great big things that weigh half a pound each.. Agree about admin getting in fights before "use of force" investigations.. (went thru five) surprised nothing was said about "bag nasties". in prison lockdown (happens every couple weeks for one reason or the other) the food for staff and inmates is a brown bag .. something.. We had an officers dining room.. but of course no one that had any since ate there.. prison food for the inmate is safe cause the inmate that makes it unsafe gets hurt..duh. only the real lops (get that pard) ate ate with the "O's"

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 39 weeks ago, 7:42 AM

MattyTheJet

MattyTheJet's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1027
Join Date:
Mar 2012
Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
LOL

I work with a lot of lops, unfortunately. The worst part is how many of them have 3-4x the amount of years in I have and still got no clue. And I have called the mall santa Chester Claus, lol.

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