Forums / Off Topic / I did laugh out loud

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5 years 36 weeks ago, 7:56 PM


Vaquero's picture

General of the Army
Join Date:
Dec 2009
West Texas
I did laugh out loud

Sorry if you are offended, but that's funny.

***Socially Unacceptable Humor***

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but
I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
drive slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
people-porn, you sick bastard.
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our
garden hose only reaches the driveway.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
5 years 36 weeks ago, 9:09 AM


HampsterW's picture

Secretary of State
Join Date:
Jan 2010
Cottonwood Heights, Utah, United States

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?..........Nothing, you already told her twice!

(don't tell my wife I said that or I'll get my ass handed too

Change you can truly believe in comes from the barrel of a gun---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ron Paul 2012----Vote the bastards out!---------------------------------
5 years 36 weeks ago, 9:55 AM


luckybychoice's picture

Secretary of the Treasury
Join Date:
May 2009
United States
good humor


i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN
5 years 36 weeks ago, 1:39 PM


Jeffashbyjr's picture

Lieutenant General
Join Date:
May 2010
The boonies outside of pensacola, Fl, United States

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10 Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says, "I love you," like sex.

If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?
5 years 36 weeks ago, 2:47 PM


Jeffashbyjr's picture

Lieutenant General
Join Date:
May 2010
The boonies outside of pensacola, Fl, United States

A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?
5 years 36 weeks ago, 7:21 PM


hot_diggity87's picture

Join Date:
Jan 2011
Michigan, United States

why did they start putting clocks on the stoves?
- so women didnt have to walk away to check the time

why are women's feet smaller than mens?
- so they can stand closer to the oven/stove

there was a girl who found a magic lamp, rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, i'll grant you one wish, and one wish only so make it wise. to this she replied "i wish i would wake up in the morning and see that my love handles disappeared." she wakes up the next morning to look in the mirror... her ears were gone.

I'm not home officer, take me drunk!

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