Forums / Off Topic / Lets hear your worst joke!

5 years 20 weeks ago, 7:14 PM

hillbilly77

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I will start it off.
A pediphile and this little boy are walking into the woods. The little boy says "Mister it sure is dark and scary in here." The pediphile replys," How do you think I feel, I will be coming out of here alone."

“If ever time should come,when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in government, our country will stand in need of it's experienced Patriots to prevent it's ruin."Samuel Adams
5 years 20 weeks ago, 7:25 PM

Pkato

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Fort Walton Beach, Florida, United States
OK

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!

Patrolman Kato
Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself.
They are the American people's liberty teeth and keystone
under independence. -- George Washington
5 years 20 weeks ago, 7:30 PM

hillbilly77

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Lieutenant General
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Newport, Wa
Here is another one.

Q: How do hillbillies practice safe sex?
A: They paint red X's on the sheep that kick.

“If ever time should come,when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in government, our country will stand in need of it's experienced Patriots to prevent it's ruin."Samuel Adams
5 years 20 weeks ago, 7:43 PM

catfish88

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General
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Jan 2009
Bad Joke

One you've probably all heard before:
What is the black stuff between an elephants toes?
Slow Natives.

5 years 20 weeks ago, 8:07 PM

Ebear

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Speaker of the House
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Jun 2008
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elgin, il, United States
ok

what's the hardest part of a vegatable to eat?....his wheelchair!!!!

...check... G-AZ
5 years 20 weeks ago, 8:32 PM

Ebear

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Speaker of the House
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Jun 2008
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elgin, il, United States
one more

lil boys taking a bath with his mother. he points between her legs and asks "mommy whats that?" the mother replies...oh thats where daddy hit me with an ax, the lil boy says " aw man right in the cunt!!!!!

...check... G-AZ
5 years 20 weeks ago, 9:12 PM

DEMO

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Lieutenant General
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Oct 2008
Location:
Hamburg, NY
Bad joke

Man comes home with flowers for his wife. His wifes grumbles and asks "I suppose you want me to spread my legs"
The husband replies "if you want, but dont you have a vase"?

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do
5 years 20 weeks ago, 11:15 PM

Reaper308

Reaper308's picture


Rank:
Secretary of Defense
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6226
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Jun 2008
Location:
Airstrip One, Oceania
joke

Q: whats the hardest part about rollerblading?

A: telling your parents you're gay

"Proelium Comminus Auctoritate" "Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash."
5 years 20 weeks ago, 12:25 AM

Eturnit3

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Lieutenant General
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798
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Dec 2008
Location:
Grass Valley , CA
alright, I'll bite

whats the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup

The time is coming when those who kill you will think they are offering service to God. Jesus - (John 16.2) A penny saved is a government oversight.
5 years 20 weeks ago, 12:30 AM

zx12rmike

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Rank:
President Pro Temp
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7870
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Dec 2008
Location:
commiefornia, United States

Q:What's the last thing to go thru a bugs mind when he hits the windshield?

A:His ass...

"We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home" Thomas Jefferson
5 years 20 weeks ago, 5:06 PM

Nitris

Nitris's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
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Nov 2008
Location:
jokes

1) When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot
of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated
driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard.
It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim
when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says
that women have
better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'mhalfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how
Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be
alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's
way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school,
you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

Ron Paul 2012 III
5 years 20 weeks ago, 5:30 PM

runawaygun762

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Rank:
Vice President
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Nov 2008
Location:
Richland, MO, United States
My joke

Q: What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy?

A: Getting her diaper back on

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 20 weeks ago, 5:39 PM

Nitris

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Lieutenant General
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Nov 2008
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Ring

Ring ring little girl picks up phone "hello", caller " hey hunny is mommy home. Little girl yes she's up stairs with uncle Bob. Caller "Hun you don't have an uncle bob". Little girl" yes I do and he's in the bedroom with mommy". Caller" Hun go up stairs and tell mommy daddies just pulled up in the drive way, and come back and tell me what happens". Little girl "ok". Few minutes later, little girl" I told mommy and uncle Bob what you said, mommy jumped out of bed and tripped over the chair, hit her head on the table. She's not moving much. Bob jumped out the window; I guess he forgot you emptied the pool. He's not moving either.
Long pause……………………………………………………………………..

Long pause…………………………………………………………………….

Long pause………………………………………………………………………

Long pause………………………………………………………………………

Caller” Pool……………..is this 745-9834. Little girl “nope you got the wrong number”

Ron Paul 2012 III
5 years 20 weeks ago, 6:38 PM

Schuyler

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General
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Nov 2008
Location:
Bainbridge Island, Washington, United States
Man gets a tattoo

Man gets a tattoo on his Johnson, which says "I love you." He shows it to his wife, but she gets pissed. "Why are you angry?" he says. "Because you're always trying to put words in my mouth," she says.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
5 years 20 weeks ago, 7:15 PM

hillbilly77

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1085
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Jan 2009
Location:
Newport, Wa

A man goes to the tatto parlor and gets a fifty dollar bill tatooed on his pecker. He goes home showes the wife and she askes why did you get that tatoo. He replys next time you want to blow fifty bucks here you go.

“If ever time should come,when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in government, our country will stand in need of it's experienced Patriots to prevent it's ruin."Samuel Adams
5 years 18 weeks ago, 10:59 AM

clintlebo

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Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He
went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. One time he even fell
asleep."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:42 PM

Gunnin88

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Rank:
Major General
Points:
515
Join Date:
Jan 2009
Location:
Belfair, Washington
okay

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home !

01*20*2013 Obamas last day!
5 years 18 weeks ago, 9:13 AM

sparticus22286

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Lieutenant Colonel
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81
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Mar 2009
worst joke ever

Womens rights

5 years 18 weeks ago, 1:49 AM

Anonymous

joke

a door to door salesman is walking thru a neighborhood.he walks up to the front door of the first house he comes to and knocks.a 7 year old boy answers the door wearing his mothers panties on his head and wearing his sisters bra and nothing else and is covered in oil.The salesman asks"young man,are your parents home?"the boy replies"what the fuck do you think!"

5 years 18 weeks ago, 2:21 PM

clintlebo

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Rank:
General
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2309
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Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
nursing home

Harold  is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a  secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.  They begin to chat  and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss  most of all?'

She  asks, 'What?'  'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I  know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to  find Harold and make sure he was O.K. 

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she  found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old  Harold smiled happily and replied...
'Parkinson's'

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 16 weeks ago, 11:50 AM

clintlebo

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Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
genies and golf

another joke for y'all

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in"

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh....yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 16 weeks ago, 11:55 AM

Reaper308

Reaper308's picture


Rank:
Secretary of Defense
Points:
6226
Join Date:
Jun 2008
Location:
Airstrip One, Oceania
thats a good one

I can't stop laughing

"Proelium Comminus Auctoritate" "Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash."
5 years 16 weeks ago, 11:56 AM

samD

samD's picture

Rank:
President
Points:
15597
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
Green Valley, Free State of Arizona, United States
The Worst Joke

Nov 5, 2008, Someone told me that Obama is the new President of the USA.
Cruelest too.

5 years 16 weeks ago, 2:11 PM

scudrunnernrh

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Rank:
Major General
Points:
626
Join Date:
Dec 2008
Location:
Texas
here's a joke

One day a guy named Steve was out enjoying a day at the golf course. While out playing he ran into another guy out playing golf and they began to talk. Eventually the guy asked Steve, what do you do for a living? Steve replied, I'm a teacher and during the summer monthes, since school is out, I spend a lot of time here, go figure, what do you do for a living? The other guy replyed, well, I'm a hit man. In disbelief Steve said, no way in hell, so the other guy pulled a sooped up sniper rifle with all the trimmings out of his golf bag and showed it to Steve. With amazement, Steve took the rifle and began looking through the scope. Wow I can see my house from here, Steve said, but looking again at the bed room window of his house, he saw his wife unbuttoning another guy's pants. Son of a Bitch Steve yelled. Whats the problem asked the assasin. My wife is with some other bastard in my house right now and she's undressing the fucker as we speak..........how much do you charge for killing someone Steve asked. Well, said the assasin, I charge $1000 per shot, and I always kill my target in one shot. Steve then said, I will pay you $3000 right now, $1000 to shoot the guy in the dick for screwing with my wife, $1000 for shooting my wife in the mouth for lying to me, and $1000 to put in your pocket. The assasin said thats a pretty generous offer, I'm on it. Then, the assasin took his rifle, proned out, and took aim. After waiting several minutes with no shot being taken, Steve asked what are you waiting for, shouldnt you hurry up and take your shots. No, said the assasin, I must wait. Why asked steve. The assasin then said, I'm trying to save you $1000.

We're not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. Gen. George S. Patton
5 years 16 weeks ago, 2:14 PM

clintlebo

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Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
how convienent

that was a good one!! Trying to save you $1000. hahahaha

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 16 weeks ago, 3:59 PM

Schuyler

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Rank:
General
Points:
3905
Join Date:
Nov 2008
Location:
Bainbridge Island, Washington, United States

and read it twice. :-)

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
5 years 16 weeks ago, 2:25 PM

scudrunnernrh

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Rank:
Major General
Points:
626
Join Date:
Dec 2008
Location:
Texas

Q.
If the urologist was at the 9th hole on a golf course and the proctologist was at the 7th hole, which hole would the gynocologist be on the golf course?

A.
The 8th hole.

Why?
because the gynocologist is always at the hole in between the other two.

We're not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. Gen. George S. Patton
5 years 16 weeks ago, 6:46 PM

hillbilly77

hillbilly77's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1085
Join Date:
Jan 2009
Location:
Newport, Wa
Good Obama Joke!

I-90 will be closed this weekend across South Dakota. They are hauling a 200 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mount Rushmore.

“If ever time should come,when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in government, our country will stand in need of it's experienced Patriots to prevent it's ruin."Samuel Adams

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