Forums / Off Topic / Liberial evolution

5 years 2 weeks ago, 11:02 PM

sparticus22286

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Lieutenant Colonel
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Mar 2009
Liberial evolution

History 101 (Crash course)

For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

5 years 2 weeks ago, 11:49 PM

runawaygun762

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Rank:
Vice President
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8929
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Nov 2008
Location:
Richland, MO, United States
Watch it, sparticus!!!

Sushi is a wonderful food. Eating sushi is like having an angel come from heaven and taking an angellic shit on your tongue. It's good.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 2 weeks ago, 9:38 AM

samD

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Rank:
President
Points:
15597
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
Green Valley, Free State of Arizona, United States

I also think Brie is a damn good cheese. I ain't no fucking liberal.

5 years 2 weeks ago, 11:44 AM

clintlebo

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Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
cactus and road runner

is not sushi my friend...

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 2 weeks ago, 1:10 PM

DEMO

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Lieutenant General
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1268
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Oct 2008
Location:
Hamburg, NY

I need a man ruling. Is Canadian beer domestic since I live on the Canadian border and the brewery is 30 miles from my house?
Otherwise I like the post

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do
5 years 2 weeks ago, 1:22 PM

Reaper308

Reaper308's picture


Rank:
Secretary of Defense
Points:
6226
Join Date:
Jun 2008
Location:
Airstrip One, Oceania
I have the same issue

I drink a lot of mexican beer and tequila. I'm a little more than 30 miles from the border, but with everyone speaking spanish here and all, I feel like i'm in Huauchinango

"Proelium Comminus Auctoritate" "Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash."
5 years 2 weeks ago, 1:35 PM

clintlebo

clintlebo's picture


Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
reaper

how does it feel to be in Huauchinango?

Does his family know?

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 2 weeks ago, 1:44 PM

Reaper308

Reaper308's picture


Rank:
Secretary of Defense
Points:
6226
Join Date:
Jun 2008
Location:
Airstrip One, Oceania
they're the ones

that get me all liquored up before I dive in

"Proelium Comminus Auctoritate" "Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash."
5 years 2 weeks ago, 1:49 PM

clintlebo

clintlebo's picture


Rank:
General
Points:
2309
Join Date:
Aug 2008
Location:
land, of confusion, United States
you are a sick man

Reaper, but I think it is funny!!!

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
5 years 2 weeks ago, 8:34 AM

runawaygun762

runawaygun762's picture

Rank:
Vice President
Points:
8929
Join Date:
Nov 2008
Location:
Richland, MO, United States

Import beer, sushi, and different cheeses (samD, I mixed american, brie, and havarti in my omelette. Wonderful) are all okay as long as you are able to provide food, shelter, fire, and protection for your tribe. My opinion is that in order to be a man, you must have balls and be able to provide these things. If you have checked these blocks, you can eat or drink whatever you want, because you are a man and it is your perogative. I drive a four-cylinder cavalier to work, I have a miniature weiner dog and toy pomeranian, I am going through the process of trying as many different cheeses as I can, I eat sushi whenever possible, I get my eyebrows waxed when they start looking like two caterpillars head butting, and if someone chooses to confront me face to face on these matters with ridicule, they will discover that I also have a wicked uppercut and their girl will discover that I have a fetish for pliers and steel wool.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.

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