Forums / Off Topic / Mid week jokes

2 years 6 weeks ago, 5:39 PM

Nitris

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Mid week jokes

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road. One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."! "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: __________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ********, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ********-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I ******** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ******** to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach. __________________________________________________ __

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 6 weeks ago, 5:42 PM

Nitris

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
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Join Date:
Nov 2008
Location:

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've
never felt better. I have
an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think
about that?
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the
creek, he saw a beaver
sitting beside the stream. He raised his
umbrella
and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of
that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else
shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 6 weeks ago, 9:30 AM

MattyTheJet

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Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
Jokes

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

They "Pump Kin"

2 years 6 weeks ago, 11:12 AM

jay sedler

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redding, california, United States
midget joke

a midget with a speech impediment wanted to buy a horse,so he went out to a farm where a farmer had a horse for sale
first the midget asked in his lispy slurred voice "thir can you list me up thow i can thee her teeth?"
the farmer obliged,feeling akward but not wanting to be rude
"thee hath wheely nyth teeth thir,you can put me down now"said the midget
the midget then asked "their,can you list me up thow i can thee her back?"
the farmer was really feeling uncomfortable now but he really wanted the sale,so he lifted the midget up to the horses back.
the midget stroked the back and said "thee haths a wheely nyth back thir you can put me down now"
the farmer watched as the midget inspected the horses legs feeling quite impatient now
the midget then asked the farmer "their can i thee her twat?"
the farmer justifiably unhappy and quite angry with this little man now lost his temper grabbed the midget by the coller lifted the horses tail and smeared his face into the horses genitalia and flung him to the ground saying "there are you happy now?seen enough yet?"
the midget stood up wiping his face and replied "that watha poor thoith of woods can i thee her gallop?"

CRY HAVOC and let slip the dogs of war!
2 years 5 weeks ago, 3:13 PM

clintlebo

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General
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Aug 2008
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land, of confusion, United States

what do tenured professors and scarecrows have in common?
they are both outstanding in their fields...

why can't two women play monopoly at the same time?
only one iron...

how do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
when she starts to wear your wife's clothes...

what do you call a redhead with a yeast infection?
gingerbread...

clint

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." (Calvin & Hobbes)
2 years 5 weeks ago, 4:18 PM

Nitris

Nitris's picture

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Lieutenant General
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Nov 2008
Location:

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in

Sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a

Child's' whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,'

Whispered the small

Voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your

Mommy there?' '

Yes .'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice w hispered, '

No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss

Asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,'

Whispered the child, ' a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy And Mommy and the Fireman ,'Came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through

The earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter '

Answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The

Search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss

Asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 5 weeks ago, 4:19 PM

Nitris

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
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Nov 2008
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 5 weeks ago, 4:23 PM

Nitris

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Two guys work together - a black guy and a white guy. The black guy notices that the white guy always came to work with a smile on his face. He asks him "Man, how come you come to work with a smile on your face every day?" The white guy replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed the black guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," the white guy said. "I just tell her the same poem when I wake up: Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking up and making love to you!" Well, determined the black guy decides to take his friends advice. The next day the black guy shows up to work all beat to hell - black eyes, broken nose, fat lip... the works. The white guy says, "Man, what happened to you???" The black guy says "I don't know, I went home and tried your advice." "Well, what poem did you tell your wife?" the white guy asked. The black guy replied: "Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 5 weeks ago, 8:10 PM

daisycutter

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Rank:
General
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Arkansas
A Bad Fall

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard when she slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her, by chance, helped her to promptly get up. She thanked him and he answered her with, "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election?"

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''I fell on my ass...not on my head!"

iyaoyas
2 years 5 weeks ago, 8:47 PM

greg az

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Secretary of Homeland Security
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New York, NY, Western Samoa

Got the usual "what happened".. Says i was following a gal up the stairs onto a bus.. noticed her dress was caught between "cheeks".. He has everyones attention at this point.. Says "so i pulled it out, she turns and smacks me BLAM .. got me dead center right eye"..

silence.. one of the co workers says.. So whats the scoop with the left eye..

"well"... "figured if she wanted it in there so bad".....

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 5 weeks ago, 9:53 AM

MattyTheJet

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
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Mar 2012
Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
Accountants

Mob boss has just had to have his accountant killed to keep him from talking to the feds. So he decides he wants a deaf accountant who can't tell the feds shit because he didn't hear shit. So his right hand man, who knows sign language, goes out and scours NYC looking for a deaf accountant. Takes him about a week but he finds one and brings him to the boss.

Boss says "Tell him what I need is an accountant who can keep two sets of books and keep his mouth shut."

Right hand man signs this to the accountant, accountant agrees. All goes will for about a year, year and a half. Then one day the boss is going over his accounts and finds out he has a million dollars missing, so he sends for the accountant. Right hand man brings in the accountant, boss says "Ask him what he knows about my missing money."

Right hand man signs this to the accountant, accountant signs back that he knows nothing. "He says he knows nothing, boss."

Boss takes off his coat, shows the accountant his gun, says "Ask him again."

Right hand man asks again, accountant replies, "Still nothing, boss."

Boss takes the gun out of the holster, points it dead at the accountant, "Once more, tell him he better give me the right answer."

Right hand man signs to the accountant, accountant signs back "Okay, it's hidden under my bed in a hollow area under the floor boards."

Boss says "What did he say?"

Right hand man looks to the boss, looks to the accountant and says, "He said for you to kiss his ass."

2 years 5 weeks ago, 6:06 AM

MattyTheJet

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
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Mar 2012
Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
LOL

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!"

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

2 years 5 weeks ago, 8:23 PM

Vaquero

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Rank:
General of the Army
Points:
5482
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
West Texas
In jail

I'm sending this note from the police station:

I had a little problem at the supermarket earlier today - I was at the checkout counter and the cashier said "strip down, facing me".

Apparently she was talking about my debit card.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 5 weeks ago, 3:33 PM

tallguy007

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
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Aug 2010
Location:
yavin, outer rim, American Samoa
Vaquero U 2?

Here i thought I was the only one that have dome this but mine was @ the XXX center back room cost hmmm oh will :>) lol

DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
2 years 4 weeks ago, 10:07 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Rank:
General
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Feb 2011
Location:
The Colony, Texas, United States
Funny

Y'all ever make up humorous new lyrics to songs? Here's a little ditty sung to the Beverly Hillbillies:

Come and listen to my story 'bought a man named Dick,
No coincidence, he really was a prick
Then one day he was shootin at manure
bullet ricocheted and hit a revenuer.

G man, IRS, Lookin' for stills.

'ol Dick now knew he was deep in the shit
where could he flee where a murderer could fit
said to himself, "Californy is the place you ought to be"
So he loaded up the truck and moved to Tennessee.

Dumb ass hick, stupid red-neck

Well now's the time to say good by to Dick 'cause he was caught.
Sitting on death row, things are starting to get hot
You're all invited back to witness his demise
'Ol sparky's gonna smoke him, and pop out his eyes

'lectricution, fry him, one less tard

Y'all come back now, y'hear?.

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
2 years 4 weeks ago, 10:09 PM

Vaquero

Vaquero's picture

Rank:
General of the Army
Points:
5482
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
West Texas
HOW TO START A FIGHT

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day..

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 4 weeks ago, 10:20 PM

Saint J.M. Browning

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Rank:
General
Points:
3482
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Feb 2011
Location:
The Colony, Texas, United States
Funny

good stuff. I think I've done a couple of them.

"I don't think Hank done it this way" - Waylon
2 years 4 weeks ago, 5:15 PM

jay sedler

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Lieutenant General
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Oct 2009
Location:
redding, california, United States

did J.F.K ever tell his campaign coordinators "I need to do another parade like I need a hole in the head"

CRY HAVOC and let slip the dogs of war!
2 years 4 weeks ago, 8:26 PM

MattyTheJet

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Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1027
Join Date:
Mar 2012
Location:
Sebring, Florida, United States
Ouch!

Not only was that cold, but it was wrong. That was actually Honest Abe saying he'd rather have a hole in his head than go to the theatre with Mary Todd again.

2 years 2 weeks ago, 7:11 PM

Nitris

Nitris's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1913
Join Date:
Nov 2008
Location:

Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Ron Paul 2012 III
2 years 2 weeks ago, 9:15 PM

luckybychoice

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Rank:
Secretary of the Treasury
Points:
6774
Join Date:
May 2009
Location:
United States
ha ha

good one Nitris

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN

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