Forums / Off Topic / The REAL stupid stuff we guys do..

5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:57 AM

greg az

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Heres the deal, this could be a REAL fun topic, if, and this is a big IF! we all pony up to the bar and tell storys on ourselfs. This is the sort of dumb s..t stuff that you can tell on your self, but if someone tells it on you your ready to hook.
I know this much, we all have some great ones, and some of the most fun ive ever had (legally) is sitting in a VFW, and listening to guys tell stories about themselfs, and the stupid stunts they've pulled.
To get the ball rolling this is a story i told on myself that you might have missed (i know this is amazing, but i have a couple stories in this catagory) so here goes.
I fished the remote out of the sink last year (actually a reasonable excuse for it being in the sink) so i stip the batterys quick, and water is still pouring out of it. I think ok, maybe if i use a bit of cyntrifical (sp!) force i can get it dry, so spend three or four minutes immatating a propeller, wife is laughing so hard im worried she's gona stroke on me. I think ok its a goner anyway, so (this is gospel, and you guys know how i feel about that) i stick it in the microwave.. Figure 20 sec outa be about right. I WAS outa options.. So i open the mirowave to the smell of burnt rubber/electrics..
When i called direct tv the guy got laughing so hard he sent us two remotes, and tells me to turn on 537 he's got a gift for me.. I had free show time for three months.. your turn..

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 7:18 AM

luckybychoice

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as in deadly allergic,i found that out after one of the little bastards attached himself to my neck at 60 mph while i was riding my Harley,By the time i could slow down,pull off onto the shoulder,stop, and remove that painful little stinger,the bee had injected a butts worth.My face swelled up like the goodyear blimp and i rode right to an emergency room and got an ephirene shot,which very quickly alleviated the swelling and agonizing itching from the bee sting.
As i was killing time waiting for the Doc to send me on my way,a gorgeous young nurse came into the room and said" the doctor wants you to have an Anna Kit,this is a bee sting kit and you can give yourself a shot in an emergency situation if you ever get stung again,you need to carry it with you at all times in the warm weather"

"Okay,gimme the kit",i said.

the very cute nurse said,"i need you to give yourself a shot of saline solution in your thigh,in front of me,to prove you can give yourself a shot before i can let you have the kit"

"no thanks",i said,"i can do it no problem there,trust me"

to which she replied,"no i am required to make sure" and handed me a syringe,"now drop your pants and inject the syringe into your thigh muscle".

Well she was a nurse, so i stood up in front of her,unbuckled my jeans and dropped them to the floor at the same time saying to this little cutie "allright but i am not wearing any underwear"

I never saw a human head snap like that before,she had been very attentive to my every movement,but now the look of professional concern on her face had turned to beet red shock as she averted her eyes to lock onto what ever object was directly 45 degrees away from my eye level manhood.I stabbed the syringe into my thigh,injected the liquid,and asked the nurse,whos eyeballs had remained locked onto the wall during the process,"am i doing this right"?

I got no response,to this day i don't know whether to be offended by that or not,but i did get my prescription for the bee sting kit.

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN
5 years 18 weeks ago, 5:47 PM

CharlesW

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L B C Nurse

I guess you would be shit out of luck if
she had to install a cafeter.
The bee story brought back a nightmare for me.
My wife and I were on our trike riding with
25 other bikes and ran into a swarm of
migrating bees. I've never seen any stops
and dismounts with helments and clothes flying
in my life. Glad I was on my trike, we had to
take a lady to ER for allergy. She couldn't
even sit up poor gal

A little rebellion is good medicine for the government Thomas Jefferson
5 years 18 weeks ago, 9:10 AM

kncald

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So about 15 years ago

when I first became a pharmacist, I had a very religious woman (the kind who doesn't wear makeup or long pants; long drab skirts only) who came to the pharmacy with a script for MetroGel. Well, at that time, I had only seen MetroGel in the vaginal form used to treat all kinds of nastiness. Unknown to me, it had just come out in a topical form to treat a type of acne called rosacea. I filled her prescription (with the vaginal product) and then began to councel her on how to use it. I was met with a horrified "nooooooo". The other pharmacist on duty leaned over let me know the error of my way. The lady, who was more red faced now than she ever could be with the rosacea, made a hasty retreat and avoided me for a very long time.

5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:05 PM

greg az

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Nothing is quite as embarrasing as an accidental discharge.. uh, both kinds, but im talking about the dangerious kind now. I had always heard, you'r not a "real" shooter till ya have one, and i thought B.S. NO WAY will it ever happen to me!!.. Till it did. 1985, i was single, and into PPC and bowling pin, and no alcohol or other "substance" involved. I had a combat comander that i had bowmar sights and extended slide and saftey installed on. My nightly drill was to lay a dime on the front sight and dry fire holding the sight steady enough that the dime stayed in place. I would do a tactical mag drop, and insert drill, cycle the slide, put on the dime and take my sight picture. (which was a pot on top of a cocktail table). carried the new 185 hollow point CCI we called "flying ashtrays" cause they were so wide. So after a half hour of mag change, and dry fire drill, i wipe the piece down, insert a full magazine, cycle the slide, (always carried condition 1) THIS IS WHERE IT FALLS APART, place a dime on the sight, get my picture, and BAM!! blow a hole in the center of the pot.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:16 PM

Anonymous

So about

12 years ago,myself and 2 friends decided to go camping.At the time I lived in the mountains of NE WA state.So where would we go camping?higher up into the mountainsof course.At the top of this mountain was a small lake and near it was an old fire watch tower.That was where we decied to camp.This was about 12 miles from my house on old logging roads.We loaded up our gear and a rifle I had.I decided to bring my 1911 .45 along to shoot it.I was driving an old 78 Toyota pickup at this time that had a faulty charging system.Had to park the truck on a hill and get it rolling and pop the clutch to start it.it would run fine,but it wouldnt charge the battery.I figured with my 2 friends with me if I couldnt park on a hill they could push start the truck.We take off and drive up to the old watch tower.I couldnt find a hill to park on so i turned the truck around and faced it back the way we came.parked it and we set up camp.Now where we were you could see all around for miles.Beautiful place on a nice summer day.Since it was summer and we were in bear and cougar country I thought it would be wise to keep the .45 loaded,just in case.So I am standing in front of the truck loading the .45.I wanted to put a live round in the pipe and just be able to pull the hammer back if I needed it.Bang!as I let the hammer down my thumb slipped and shot a hole in the hood of my pickup.The hole was toward the back of the hood and I knew there wasnt anything important in that area so I looked in the cab and found the bullet on the floor.kept it.We camped for 2 nights then had to head back home since I had to work the next day.We loaded up our gear and cleaned up camp.I got in the truck and my friends started pushing.They would get the truck rolling and i would pop the clutch,nothing!it wouldnt fire.I figured it was altitude related since we wee at 5500 ft altitude(Forest Service marker said so)they pushed and I popped the clutch for about a mile.damn truck wouldnt start!I finally stop the truck and open the hood to find that I had shot the throttle linkage off!no gas,no start!i put the rod back on after straightening the bent spot out of it from the bullet.They pushed the truck about 25 feet and it started right up!We headed home.Boy did I feel like an asshole for letting them push the truck so far without looking under the hood!

5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:47 PM

samD

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I bartended. Well it was my day off and it was Spring Break. So I go get a haircut and decide to stop by the bar and buy a few drinks for my buds. Owner gave us chips to use. I am sitting there talking to my pals who are all seated to my left. I am grousing about the haircut I got and this voice to my immediate right say's, well you look like an asshole anyway. Now I don't know this person from adam and I had had a few shots of Tequila, which makes you invinsible and bullet proof... So I just backhand this little fucker right up off of his barstool and send him skating on his butt across the dance floor. I jump up to got get him and he is sitting on the floor back to a wall and he pulls a .25 auto on me. Well with being bullet proof, I reach down and wrench the gun out of his hand and then hit hit in the head with it. It was loaded and ready to go. My friends escorted him outside, uncerimoniously. I gave the gun to my boss, who tells me later this was some prominent Oakland defense Attorney. I love Tequila, you can do amazing things with it... Lucky I am not dead...

5 years 18 weeks ago, 3:11 PM

greg az

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Sounds like the sorta jerk you think of as a defense attorney (hate that word) least he was smart enough to know A) the 25 would REALLY pizz ya off, and B) he'd have his license pulled.
I think the dumbest thing i ever heard when a bunch of guys were sitting around telling storys on themselfs was an old boy who had a plumbing problem (this goes back to after the service when i also was a bartender) He says he goes down to the basement and takes the inspection cover off of the house hold sewer line, says hes looking up at this solid mass of brown (literal here) shit, and for what ever reason he flips his monkey wrench around and sticks the handle into the opening. YEP! I knew the guy pretty well, and a straight shooter. says he was covered in the familys poop from head to toe, and had BUCKET's of it on the floor of his basement.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 4:11 PM

23 - 12 Bravo

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around 10 years ago I was with my best hunting buddy Steve and my 9 year old son Nick, who we had brought along for his first real big game hunt. Steve had befriended a local rancher the night before when we were out spotting for herds and trying to locate the best looking area for the next day. The kind old man offered to take us out to a great spot in his truck and of course we accepted. So we 3 climbed into the back of the ranchers old ford truck and he started a drive across some prarie while Steve glassed from the right side standing behind the cab and I was sitting on the top edge of the tailgate facing forward and doing a visual scan towards the left. My son nick was crouched along the wheel hump looking over the left side as well. Heres where it gets good. The truck was beginning to traverse some old irrigation ditches and at one point hit a nice dip at which point my ass lifted just an inch or two off the tailgate, and then just as the truck bottomed out the rancher punched the gas to avoid getting stuck. At that crucial instant that my ass was floating above the tailgate it now was floating just behind the truck! As I began to fall backwards in a desperate move I hooked the toe of my right boot under the right side bedrail. Now my situation was this; I am hanging upside down from the back of a moving truck by my right boot and my head facing backwards looking at the trail, with the top of my head grazing rocks and such....just hoping not to catch a "big one". The old man was driving 10 - 15 mph maybe a little faster. Trying as hard as I could I could not save myself from that position! All I could do was dangle back there until my kid turned around and noticed his idiot dad! He grabbed Steves sleeve and yelled "my dad went over!" And Steve thought he meant I jumped over because I saw something to shoot at! LMAO. So Nick eventually convinced Steve to turn around and he peered over the tailgate to bear witness to my hopeless situation! Let me tell you I was really glad to see his face! immediately grabbed the front of my jacket and yanked me up and back into the bed. Then he looks at me and yells "stop screwing around!". The whole time the old man just kept on driving and to this day never knew anything about that incident! So let me say this, riding on the edge of a tailgate in a truck is not a very smart decision. Goes down as one of my dumbest moments! Oh BTW my son did me proud that hunt dropping a nice goat from almost 300 yards straight through the lung and heart! 1 shot baby, my little man made up for my tailgate antics!

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there. -Colonel Sanders
5 years 18 weeks ago, 4:28 PM

greg az

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23-12 GREAT STORY

Thats the sorta stuff i had in mind when i posted this.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 4:42 PM

Anonymous

greg

my story was a pickup truck story too...

5 years 18 weeks ago, 4:46 PM

greg az

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And i laughed when i read it, but you werent on to kid about shooting up your truck buddy! What are the odds of hitting the acelerator rod, bet ya couldn't do it again without a scope.. These are ALL the sort of things that make us fun to be with.. If ya can't tell it on yourself, someone else will anyway, so might as well enjoy..

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 5:35 PM

Anonymous

my friends

who were with me still wont let me live this down...

5 years 18 weeks ago, 6:16 PM

photobear6

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I did was my snowmobile had a leaking seam on the plastic gas tank. So I being the smart 16 year old I was decided to repair it with a propane torch. Well you can guess what happened next I thought I was smart by removing all the fuel not knowing that the vapors were worse. Biggest fireball I ever have seen in a garage. Luckily got it out before burning down the garage and attached house.

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!
5 years 18 weeks ago, 6:20 PM

zx12rmike

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Gonna take me awhile to figure out which story would be best!

"We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home" Thomas Jefferson
5 years 18 weeks ago, 10:03 PM

23 - 12 Bravo

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Was back in 1968 and I was 6 or 7 years old. At that time we lived in New Britain Connecticut in the second floor of an old 3 story apartment building. Both my Mother and Father worked at the Stanley tools factory just down the street. One day while my parents were at work and I was with the babysitter, I was watching something on the old black and white TV that showed some grunts crossing a river inverted on some rope lines they had fixed to some trees on either side. I dont remember if it was a show or an army commercial, but it looked like alot of fun. Next thing I was on the porch eyeballing the clothesline that was strung between our building and the next one. It was an old clothesline on a pulley attachment like they used to have for the upper floors of apartments back then. Without any hesitation and amazed at my coincidental good fortune, I jumped up onto the railing and grabbed hold of the clothesline, and swung my legs up around it. Before I knew it I was shimmying along probably about 20 feet or so away from our building. Then the inevitable happened as the pulley gave way and sent me down 2 stories flat onto my back. Anyone who has ever had the wind severely knocked out of them can attest to the fact it is one of the worst feelings ever. So I was laying there sure I was gonna die and then the babysitter is leaning over me- her face turning red and screaming at me but all I could hear was my ears ringing. Miraculously, I barely got a scratch. (Kids are so resilient.)When my mom came home from work that day, the babysitter resigned. That was the first stupid thing I did that I remember. I was just looking at a post of a black bear doing something similar which reminded me of my story and got me wondering how the hell he could get away with a stunt like that? LOL

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there. -Colonel Sanders
5 years 18 weeks ago, 10:14 PM

daisycutter

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to neck like stuperman, land in peach tree. Much pain and blud.
Yeah, 2 story drop could be a killer but that tree hurt like a mofo

iyaoyas
5 years 18 weeks ago, 11:02 PM

greg az

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Thats a great one Bravo, you started early guy.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:13 AM

samD

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when he was a kid, decided he could fly. Lived on a farm with a 2 story barn. Well crazy Bob raided his dad's pigeon coup.
He tied strings around the pigeons legs. Had quite a few in his new found air force. Bob goes to the top of the barn, throws the pigeons into the air on the long strings he had attached and then jumps off of the barn.
He gets to the end of the string and all at once all the poor little pigeons wings went straight up over their bodies and down hurled Crazy Bob and all the pigeons smashing into the ground with a thud and a broken arm. Never found out about the pigeons though, I am sure they were in pretty bad shape. I laugh everytime I think about that!

5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:18 AM

samD

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Good nite all.

Dave LLE what the hell you doing up? Hope everything is OK!.

5 years 18 weeks ago, 12:23 AM

Anonymous

good nite old dude!

sleep tite old timer...

5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:31 PM

runawaygun762

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Okay, mine

I've actually got a few, all sexually related, but none are truly funny in print, as I can't get as animated as I can in real life. But here's one. I was banging an ugly girl in the front seat of my '92 crown vic. She was on top, facing me, the driver's seat all the way back. Things were going good, so I gave her ass a little tap. "Ooh, I like that, do it again", she says. So I do it again, with a little more gusto. She yelps a bit, says "harder", so I oblige. This goes on for a bit, me adding a little more elbow grease each time, her screaming a bit louder each time. It got to the point that she screamed "harder" loud enough to hurt my ear, her head banging the headliner of the car ever few bounces, so I decided to really give it to this bitch. I brought my hand way back, gotr almost full extension, and brought it down as hard as I could. I even left my wrist a bit limp, you know, for maximum whip action, and nailed her ass good. I was even screaming a sort of warcry as I was swinging. What I failed to take into account, whether it was the timing of her up and down motion, or my thrust, or maybe just the position of my hand, is a mystery to me. What isn't a mystery, is the fact that on impact, the ring finger and pinky finger of my right hand struck my right ball with a ferocity unmatched by anything in nature. I went from an intentional, joyful scream, to one of pure pain. My dick decided enough was enough and began to retreat from the cave, and I transformed from a man gettin' some to not really a man. However, in my defense, I can say that my dick earned his Ranger tab that night. After a few seconds' agony, he resumed the position of attention and we finished, albeit with me leaning to the right, in pain, and not smacking her ass anymore.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:40 PM

Ebear

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and

she still calls you son ?

...check... G-AZ
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:45 PM

runawaygun762

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She had twin boys, one died at twelve days. Little fucker had 93 chromosomes, a hole in his heart, and one brown and one blue eye. I'm guessing me smacking my nut caused the sperm to come out all fucked up and confused, and one sperm entered another sperm right before they got into the egg. Oh well, made for a funny picture to show people. SHE TOOK OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK FOR THE PICTURE IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!! Hah hah hah. This is the type of woman I used to attract. Sad. But fun.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:49 PM

Ebear

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lmao!!!!!!!

and the other kid was Elvis right?

...check... G-AZ
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:53 PM

runawaygun762

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is a 307 dollar a month child support payment until September 2021.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:54 PM

Ebear

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um

need a babysitter?

...check... G-AZ
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:56 PM

runawaygun762

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That depends.

Do you know how to disable vehicle brakes and make it look like a manufacturer defect? If so, can you travel to Oklahoma? If so, babysit away, 'mano.

"I have always been a soldier. I have known no other life. The calling of arms, I have followed from boyhood. I have never sought another." From The Virtues of War, by Steven Pressfield.
5 years 18 weeks ago, 8:58 PM

Ebear

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si

but first my very special puppet show....

...check... G-AZ
5 years 16 weeks ago, 9:01 AM

TXLUCKYGUY

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los cucarachas

I HATE cockroaches. I was living a in highrise in Memphis many years ago, and saw a roach in the hall outside my 9th floor apartment. Roomie had gone to a combination rugby game/kegger, and I was invited...so I figured I'd spray for bugs and then crash at the party overnight while the place aired out.

I set off a bugbomb in each room, wrapped a wet rag around my face and began spraying cracks/crevices. The condo's kitchen was very small; 1 door and no windows. I sprayed between and behind every appliance with a product caled Code Red (contains cynaogen, no longer manufactured I think).

I stepped back into the kitche doorway, coughed and muttered 'well that oughta do it'....WHABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM. All those fumes hit the pilot light on the stove (...never had gas appliances before this). The resulting explosion blew me out of the doorway, across the living room onto my weightbench. The door to the oven, the stovetop, the cabinet doors and all the appliances were either dislodged, broken or moved a bit. The oven door went through the pantry door, causing the garbage in the panty to ignite and blow all over the place.

I awoke after a few seconds, with my eyebrows gone, hair singed and pants on fire. After dealing with that, I grabbed a beer and stumbled into the hallway. A little old lady opened her door, looked at me and all the smoke, and called the fire department. The complex manager, 2 floors down and 3 over, was in the shower and it knocked out the lights in her shower. The parking lot attendant thought someone had rammed a truck into the building. People in the rear parking lot saw the brief (but I am told spectacular) fireball, so the police and bomb squad were called.

Years later at a party I was listening to a couple tell a striking similar story...I asked them where this occurred, and sure enough it was yours truly that "blew the piss out of his apartment and set himself on fire trying to kill roaches. Good times, good times....mild burns and not much else.

The next day I saw another roach in the effin hallway.

5 years 16 weeks ago, 10:34 AM

greg az

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Now thats a story..

glad txlucky guy brought this outa retirement to tell it. Thanks for my morning laugh.. see you guys later, brother is still here and not polite to spend time on here till he leaves..Appreciate him coming up to see me, and even more bringing the 19..see ya all later

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
5 years 16 weeks ago, 1:05 PM

luckybychoice

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Great story

what a wild ride that must have been,i had cockroaches so big in Bossier city LA that i used to shoot them with my BB gun pistol(rental property).

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN

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