Forums / Off Topic / Some Thursday Funnies

These are actual comments made
> on students' report cards by teachers in the Haysi, Virginia public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
> (but, boy, are these funny!)
>
> 1. Since my last report, your child
> has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
>
> 2.. I would not allow this student to breed.
>
> 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
>
> 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an
> idiot.
>
> 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then
> consistently fails to achieve them.
>
> 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the
> plastic thing to hold it all together.
>
> 7. This child has been working with
> glue too much.
>
> 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should
> sell.
>
> 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
> train isn't coming.
>
> 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to
> be watered twice a week.
>
> 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created
> this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
>
> 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely
> dead.
>
>
>
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.

>
> The comments were taken off actual
> police car videos around the country:
>
> 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder
> than the one you just went through.'
>
> 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
> new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
>
> 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make
> your birth certificate a worthless document.'
>
> 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
>
> 12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
> Because that's the speed of
> the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
>
> 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess
> that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket,
> huh?'
>
> 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but
> I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that
> I'm the shift supervisor?'
>
> 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning
> you not to do that again or I'll give you another
> ticket. '
>
> 8 'The answer to this last question will determine
> whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a
> dog?'
>
> 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
> place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and
> corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
>
> 6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
> gets a toaster oven.'
>
> 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through
> NCIC.'
>
> 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you
> had?'
>
> 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used
> to, but now we're
> allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
>
> 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a
> personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
> your bail.'
>
> A ND THE WINNER IS....
>
> 1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
> You're right, we don't. Sign here.'