Forums / Off Topic / True Story-Funny as Hell!!!!

4 years 1 week ago, 6:45 AM

WD4JIM

WD4JIM's picture

Rank:
Brigadier General
Points:
228
Join Date:
Oct 2010
Location:
Paris, Tn., United States

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The lan-guage used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dra-matically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is bro-ken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a se-cond. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in be-tween but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own flu-ids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the re-sulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted. 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4 - My left eye will not open. 5 - My right eye will not close. 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them...’’ — Richard Henry Lee, 1787
3 years 44 weeks ago, 10:17 AM

RandyMc

RandyMc's picture

Rank:
Brigadier General
Points:
308
Join Date:
Feb 2011
Location:
Tyler, Texas, United States
This is NOT

a story to read while trying to drink a cup of hot coffee unless you want it spewed on your keyboard or snorted through your nose down the front of your shirt. WD4, I have a fence around my place and have considered doing just this. After reading this story, not so sure its such a good idea. Thanks for the laugh.

Randy

Freedom ain't Free, so thank a Veteran when you see one. They are the ones who have protected the freedoms that you enjoy!
3 years 44 weeks ago, 11:33 AM

CharlesW

CharlesW's picture

Rank:
General
Points:
4860
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
Live in the wilderness, Republic of Texas, United States

Man that must have hurt

Oh that was WD4JIM LMAO

A little rebellion is good medicine for the government Thomas Jefferson
3 years 44 weeks ago, 11:48 AM

RandyMc

RandyMc's picture

Rank:
Brigadier General
Points:
308
Join Date:
Feb 2011
Location:
Tyler, Texas, United States
No....I didn't

I was reading this story and had just got a mouthful of coffee when I read the part about him reaching down to grab the wire. I almost lost the whole mouthful in the ways I described. I have seriously thought about placing an electric fence around my place but had decided not to as yet. This just reinforces my decision because I would likely do something similar as for the transformer and what not. I would NOT reach down and grab a wire laying on the ground unless I knew it was not just turned off, but also disconnected. Too many people around here use solar panels to power their electric fences and you never know when one might appear to be off and connected and still be on.

Freedom ain't Free, so thank a Veteran when you see one. They are the ones who have protected the freedoms that you enjoy!
3 years 44 weeks ago, 8:30 PM

CharlesW

CharlesW's picture

Rank:
General
Points:
4860
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
Live in the wilderness, Republic of Texas, United States

even took the breaker out of the box. I knew it was dead.
Tested it with a meter.
Then I touched both sides of the thermostat. Don't ever
do that. When they go out they store energy. Knocked me
across the room.

A little rebellion is good medicine for the government Thomas Jefferson
3 years 44 weeks ago, 4:50 PM

Snake

Snake's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1514
Join Date:
Nov 2010
Location:
Haysi, Virginia, United States

Never under ANY circumstances ever put full trust in your electrical class partner. I learned that lesson the hard way. I was working with my buddy on running a wiring setup on a practice station, 2 GFCI plugin's,2 lights and 2 switches one turning off the lights at one side and the other turning on the lights and vice versa. Anyways we had the wiring up and what looked to be in order. The teacher who says he has 30+years in the electrical field inspected it and said it looks good. Feeling proud my buddy decided to hook it up to the breaker box with the permission of the teacher. Unaware of such permmision givin by the teacher I resumed to add a few wire nuts on the connecting wires and had a pair of needle nose pliers holding a HOT wire while adding the wire nut to it as my fingers are to fat to hold it. Also the pliers had the rubber handles covers removed so I was basically holding a mini lightnig rod. Anyways my buddy without warning me flipped the breaker box on sending 120+ volts of pure unadult rated controled lightning through the wires into the pliers into me thus knocking me for a loop. Needless to say I was so fucking pissed at him I literllay threw my tool belt at him cussed him and was dissmissed from class that day on the grounds of I was wreckless in class. My point is when working in eletrical fields the only person you can trust is yourself.

Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.-Ronald Reagan
3 years 44 weeks ago, 4:59 PM

Vaquero

Vaquero's picture

Rank:
General of the Army
Points:
5502
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
West Texas
Snake

Sounds like a good time to learn "lockout, tagout".
Ask yer teach about it.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
3 years 44 weeks ago, 5:10 PM

Snake

Snake's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1514
Join Date:
Nov 2010
Location:
Haysi, Virginia, United States

Lock out tag out is where you put a lock on the box with a card that has your signature on it and only you have the key to said lock. Anyways thats would have been a VERY wise choice but it didnt run across my mind at the time....which I am solely to blame on that one I say.

Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.-Ronald Reagan
3 years 44 weeks ago, 5:21 PM

Vaquero

Vaquero's picture

Rank:
General of the Army
Points:
5502
Join Date:
Dec 2009
Location:
West Texas
Snake

I really hope you understand the being dismissed from class. The scenario you described will get you dismissed from your job. "Fired" If you get my drift.
You can leave with a pink slip or a paramedic.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
3 years 44 weeks ago, 5:35 PM

Snake

Snake's picture

Rank:
Lieutenant General
Points:
1514
Join Date:
Nov 2010
Location:
Haysi, Virginia, United States
vaq

Yeah I understood. No hard feelings about that. I may have over reacted but man it did piss me off. And I understand fully that my actions could have injured someone so being dismissed was a good call by the teacher. I respect that.

Democracy is worth dying for, because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man.-Ronald Reagan

Who's Online

Guns Lot Activity
Users
Currently Active Users: 841 (1 member and 840 guests)
coppertop

Guns Lot Statistics
Stats Topics: 8,690, Comments: 161,634, Members: 23,517
Welcome our newest member: Hank6046

Recent Activity