Forums / Off Topic / Two Gun Pete, Famous Gunfighter

2 years 21 weeks ago, 4:24 PM

LLE

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Three vaqueros are sitting around a table, drinking tequila at a cantina in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. They each are taking turns telling perro peludo stories, and the conversation turns to famous, feared gunfighters. Many names are brought up, like Francisco Zamora, Jose Gallegos, Atanacio Martinez, Antonio Carbajal. As each is discussed, they talk of exploits and how many people they killed. Each one is exceeded by the next, until little Ferdito Tafoya, drunk as a skunk slurs out, " amigos--Ju ferget Two Gun Pete"! dee wurst and baddest in sout Tejas".

The other two vaqueros agreed that Two Gun Pete was the best gunslinger they ever heard of, and Ferdy Tafoya tells them--"I know HEEM". The other two vaqueros laugh hysterically, and tell Ferdy that's the best shaggy dog story any one told all afternoon. Ferdy says," chingas tus madres!--I DO KNOW TWO GUN PETE!! I met heem one day over in Laredo."

The two vaqueros can't wait to hear this. "Wha happen when ju meet Two Gun Peet??

Ferdy tells them the story; "i rode across the boarder to go to dee blaksmit--when I get dair, I ty up my horse, and bump into dis caballero by axident." He say, "HOMBRE! why ju bump into me an hurt my foot? I say, "lo siento much, senior", and he say, "Do ju know who am I??" and I say, "No senior". and he say," I am Two Gun Pete, an I am gonna teech ju to bee mas cuidado den ju are!" Ju see my horses sheet dair onda ground?? an I say , "jes, Two Gun Pete". an he say, "I want ju shud eat the horses' sheet". an I say, "but I done wanna eat that horses' sheet". an he pulls his two guns an says, "ahora!! ju gonna eat that horses' sheet!?" an I say,"Ju bet two gun Pete" [what kood I do, he had da drop on me] "so I ate the horses' sheet" . Jus den my horse rear up an knock Two Gun Pete ass over tin cups, an he drop his pistolas, an I kwik pick up de pistolas an get dee drop on heem. I say to heem, "Two Gun Pete--you see my horses sheet dair on dee ground?" He say, "Jes, I doo". an I say, "I want ju shood eat my horses' sheet". an ha say, "what can I doo, Ju got dee drop on me", an he eat my horses' sheet.
DO I KNOW TWO GUN PETE!!??----I HAD LUNCH WITH HIM IN LAREDO!!

Too old to fight, Too old to run, guess that's why I carry a gun! "would someone show this asshole the way out of town".[Rabbi Avram Belinski-aka "The Frisco Kid"]
2 years 21 weeks ago, 4:34 PM

Vaquero

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Good one LLE

I hadn't heard that one before.

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 21 weeks ago, 11:56 AM

greg az

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Only thing i can promise is it's not as funny as LLE's, but will try..

Old boy gets drunk at the long branch.. Miss Kitty cuts him off, Doc cuts him off, pard up to your left there cuts him off.. Nope he keeps getting drunker and drunker.. In desperation they get hold of "Mathew" (you gun smoke fans will appreciate who called him Mathew).. Ok so big Matt Dillon comes in and trys to reason with him.. Drunk says well shit Marshal Dillon you got that big ol hog leg on ya why don't you take it off and make me leave.. So Matt pulls out his SAA and drops it on the bar..

QUICK AS A WINK the drunk picks it up and says ok Dillon now your gonna do a dance for all of us.. caps off a round BLAM.. Matt proceeds to break into the funky chicken..

Drunk says you ain't dancing enough Dillon .. BLAM.. old Matt starts doing the twist and the boogaloo.. BLAM .. Matt's looking for all the world like John Travolta doing the Disco fever like theres no tomorrow..

Bout this time Pard (sorry Festus) says to the drunk.. "ya might want'a start think'n bout filing that front site down a bit" .. Drunk says "whys that".. Festus says "cause when ya finish those last two bullets Mathews gonna have to stick that gun up your ass"

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 8:15 AM

LLE

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I could just about visualize that taking place on the Long Branch set. Then I realized how painful the punch line action would be, and automatically got sympathy pains in my butt!!

Too old to fight, Too old to run, guess that's why I carry a gun! "would someone show this asshole the way out of town".[Rabbi Avram Belinski-aka "The Frisco Kid"]
2 years 21 weeks ago, 10:16 AM

luckybychoice

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good storys

both of you guys.

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN
2 years 21 weeks ago, 11:44 AM

Builtf0rdtough

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lmao. two great stories. thaks LLE and Greg!!

"Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy"-Winston Churchill
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:27 PM

greg az

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I don't listen to any new stuff out there.. to be honest i just don't think im missing anything.. Grew up with what was then shit kick'n music.. First time i heard R&B i was hooked.. This white boy might not be 100% honky.. Edwards is a black name.. still a bit of prejudice when i was in.. The KP thing would be Johnson, Smith, Edwards, in other words all predominantly black last names. So sometimes i'd be the only bean in that bowl of chilli. Bottom line, while i can't sing worth half a peso.. This boy could dance.. Sorta surprised us all when we found out. I really can't explain it either.. cept for that blood thing..

Then i got seriously hooked on Rock and Roll.. Southern Rock and Roll.. When im in a good mood i can literally feel that opening riff Lynyrd Skynyrd skinner has with DHA, anyway the Temps gave way to Bob Seger. and Marvin Gay to ZZ top.. Bout this same time i came full circle and the country i was raised on became my favorite.. which country you say (have this vision of one bored person reading this) All country.. From the old stuff of Bob Will's and the Texas playboys (AHH HAA) on up.. So im thinking of favorite songs and song verses that you guys might get a kick out of.. here goes..lets try songs for 500 Alex, and song lyrics for a grand..

I'm going to start it off with one of my favorites.. and hope you guys join in. Marty Robbins..

big iron.. he had come to take an outlaw back, alive or maybe dead..
he said it didn't matter, he was after Texas Red..

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:29 PM

Vaquero

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numbered one and nineteen more

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2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:35 PM

greg az

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You got it pard..

I just passed a Jimmy in a White, i've been passing everything all night
Six days on the road and i'm gona make it home tonight..

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:39 PM

greg az

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Why do you smoke, why do you roll dope,
why do you live out those songs that you wrote.
Try to think it over, get yourself a brand new position.
when i get drink and play all night long
it's just a fammily tradition.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:42 PM

Vaquero

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narrow at the hip
everybody knew
you didn't give no lip
to big John

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:50 PM

greg az

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if the left one don't get ya then the right one will.

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:57 PM

Vaquero

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Listen to the jingle

the rumble and the roar
as she glides along the woodlands
through the hills and by the shore

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:05 PM

daisycutter

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And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

Ooops, I think I'm on the wrong thread. Sorry guys LOL !!

iyaoyas
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:07 PM

Vaquero

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LOL!

Good one daisy

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2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:16 PM

tallguy007

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jefferson airplane

ooopps they changed their name like 10 times oh the song is white rabbit

DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:29 PM

daisycutter

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listening to Iron Butterfly, "Termination"

iyaoyas
2 years 21 weeks ago, 9:46 PM

luckybychoice

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haven't heard from them in awhile.good stuff really.

i tried being reasonable,i didn't like it, NRA LIFE MEMBER,USMC VETERAN
2 years 21 weeks ago, 11:43 PM

daisycutter

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the shiite outta me.

iyaoyas
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:17 PM

Vaquero

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and don't you eat that yellow snow

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 21 weeks ago, 8:32 PM

Vaquero

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No words

Floyd Cramer, Last Date
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvfG9uFswis

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:20 PM

greg az

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the pump don't work cause the vandals stole the handle..

got the song.. same era as your other one Lou

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
2 years 21 weeks ago, 1:34 PM

daisycutter

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and little Mack are coming over this afternoon. I promised Brandon he could fire the Cobra .380, And I have an additional motive. There is 50 spent brass in the yard Brandon can pick up for me.
Snow, sleet & freezing rain tonight and tomorrow, up to 5" accumulation. I hope the kids get to stay since school will likely be cancelled.

iyaoyas
2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:23 AM

samD

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In a Gadda DaVida!

Great song got laid to that way back when & thought I was a failure, then I figured out it was the long version...

2 years 21 weeks ago, 12:28 AM

daisycutter

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`

iyaoyas

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