How to Simulate Being in the Navy

How to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

(1a). Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. About 3 hours after you go to sleep, have your spouse come in and shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all sh*t cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

More From samD

7 Comments

4 years 12 weeks ago, 4:51 PM

Schuyler

Schuyler's picture

Rank:
General
Points:
3905
Join Date:
Nov 2008
Location:
Bainbridge Island, Washington, United States
All I can say is,

that would be on a good day.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
4 years 12 weeks ago, 5:11 PM

HampsterW

HampsterW's picture

Rank:
Secretary of State
Points:
7723
Join Date:
Jan 2010
Location:
Cottonwood Heights, Utah, United States
Sounds about right

Coast Guard not Navy but same thing.

Change you can truly believe in comes from the barrel of a gun---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ron Paul 2012----Vote the bastards out!---------------------------------
4 years 12 weeks ago, 5:58 PM

zx12rmike

zx12rmike's picture

Rank:
President Pro Temp
Points:
7870
Join Date:
Dec 2008
Location:
commiefornia, United States

Those were the days, I could add some reality to those. For the most part I completely agree!!

"We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home" Thomas Jefferson
1 year 45 weeks ago, 1:11 PM

coppertop

coppertop's picture

Rank:
Major General
Points:
464
Join Date:
Apr 2012
Location:
Bolivar, Mo, United States

The memories. But you left out cooking everything in a big ass steam kettle.

1 year 45 weeks ago, 2:30 PM

daisycutter

daisycutter's picture

Rank:
General
Points:
4430
Join Date:
Jul 2009
Location:
Arkansas

mid-shitter watch. walk up and down all stairs, up and down every hallway, in and out of every room, out into the garage, along the clothes line, people yelling "turn off the flashlight you son of a .....!", write in log book every hour, "conditions normal, all secure" and repeat constantly until and not a second before being properly relieved on station.
BTW, on New Year's Eve you must make all your log entries rhyme.

Ah yes, the "good ol' days", yeah, right

iyaoyas
1 year 45 weeks ago, 1:19 AM

greg az

greg az's picture

Rank:
Secretary of Homeland Security
Points:
5873
Join Date:
Oct 2009
Location:
New York, NY, Western Samoa
Great Lakes memorys..

The big 67 storm.. woo hoo.. Ohara is closed.. i forget how much snow fell, but it was some outragious number thats never been equaled since.. A year later i would be sitting hi and dry and full of san migel on a beach in the PI.. but for this moment in time the Navy and 1967 was all about snow..

bout 0200 or so the DI rolls me and this other fool out of our bunks.. "you guys get your heavy gear on and come with me".. I really figured they were going to shoot us for something i had said earlier about the bosun's belly having a bit of "dunlap" and fool B laughing at it.. nope..

matter of fact he didn't even hear the comment or im pretty sure he woulda knocked our heads together.. what he did do was hand us both snow shovels, and tell us to keep a path open from our building to the main complex. Not sure how long we shoveled snow, but do remember their being a LOT of it..

a man has to hold his word, hold his beliefs, and hold a good sight picture.
1 year 45 weeks ago, 5:37 AM

coppertop

coppertop's picture

Rank:
Major General
Points:
464
Join Date:
Apr 2012
Location:
Bolivar, Mo, United States

Ah yes, shoveling snow off the grinder in the middle of the night in the freezing cold. Good times.

samD's picture
Posted by: samD
4 years 12 weeks ago
Views:
712
Comments:
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