THE REAL MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Nancy-pants.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like
a dog, but gay--it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!'
Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to
daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only
sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and
undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's
world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer
as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a Decaf
Soy Latte. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had
a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of
that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk
off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the
radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email
list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then
you are definitely on the verge of being a fudgepacker.